“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady.”
– Nora Ephron
Many women are taking a moment to pay homage to the indelible Nora Ephron after her death this week. From Facebook statuses to Lena Dunham in the New Yorker, women are writing to recognize her stamp upon their lives.
For me, her passing led me to reflect upon myself and the women in my life. Why is it that of all the wisdom of Nora Ephron, the words above stand out amongst all others? I am, certainly and proudly, no lady. I am female and feminine to the core, but I will never be meek. Wit and strength of will are the qualities I hold above all others. How the heck did I get to be this way?
In Lena Dunham’s article she tells the anecdote of sharing Thanksgiving dinner with Ephron’s family, saying “I went home and likely offended my own mother by announcing that ‘it was with the kind of family I was meant to have.’ ” Those words reminded me of how lucky I am. I never had to hunt for a woman to look up to. She was always right there, waking me up in the morning and putting me to bed at night, teaching me the lessons I needed in between. How fortunate to have my mother!
30 year-old me is single, with a dog and a little apartment. I’m starting a business. At this time in her life, my mother already had three kids and a crumbling marriage. I was two years old. But what if she’d had her little apartment and just a dog to take care of? She would have conquered the world. Thankfully for me she put all of her skill and talent and vigor into mothering, for it was my mother who taught me to insist on being talked to with respect. She showed me that women may lose their temper and are not always “nice.” She taught me that beauty is innate, healthy and natural. My mother encouraged me to be exactly who I wanted to be and not apologize to anyone for it. She stood back, let me make grave errors and helped me pick up the pieces when things fell apart. Most tellingly, she always applauded my choices that led toward greater independence – like getting my first apartment alone – and was doubtful of the ones that led in the other direction – moving to be with a boyfriend. Who I am now and the decisions I’ve made to get here were shaped by these lessons.
My mother brought me up to be the sort of woman who understands and embraces Nora Ephron’s words. Nora’s death has reminded me to be proud of myself, to “above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim,” but it was my mother who instilled in me the self-confidence to become my heroine.
Julie A. Linder 